I didn't realise when I wrote on here last that I was already pregnant. In fact I ignored all the signs for as long as I could, not wanting to raise hopes or fears. I didn't test for two months, didn't tell my husband for two months, did my best not to even think about it. When I started feeling sick I told myself it was probably a stomach bug, when I missed a period I told myself "hormones can do funny things." It was only when I suddenly went off tea that I realised this was serious.
Being pregnant is supposedly a joyous occasion, but when you've already lost one it can simply be terrifying - living permanently on gusset watch looking for signs of a miscarriage, trying your best not to hope in case those hopes are dashed again, trying your best just to get on with life and see what happens. I wanted to get to the magic 12 weeks before even acknowledging it to myself. I didn't make it that far. At 9 weeks, merely days after testing, the gusset watch showed up my worst fears, just like last time, the tiniest amount of old brown blood. The blood in my veins turned to acid and the terror burned through my body. Not again! I found myself back in the same room at the hospital as the year before, going through the same procedure again, all my barriers up creating a fortress against the inevitable pain coming my way... Except this time on the monitor there was this little bean like creature and I swear he was waving at me, his little heart beating away. The symptoms had been exactly the same as before, but the cause was totally different - this time they found a bruise in my womb, but the baby was perfectly fine.
Not that my fears ended there, I was still convinced something would go wrong, still paranoid and scared throughout the entire pregnancy. Then during labour when his heartbeat fell with every contraction I was convinced my worst fears were coming true. But one emergency c-section later and my 10 pound baby boy was born. Red and angry, and boy did he seem angry!
I was in shock, somehow amongst all the eventualities I had mentally prepared myself for, actually having a baby didn't seem to be one of them. I was totally unprepared. He's now almost a year old and it has been one hell of a ride. This has been the steepest learning curve of my life but I'm just about getting to grips with it now and he's thriving - I'm not sure how with me as a mother, but somehow he is.
