Arm chair psychotherapy

After writing that last post I realised one important thing. I wrote that despite my shyness, I always believed the person lurking beneath it was something pretty darn special - but you know at the same time I always carried with me an unhealthy dose of self hatred. So how could I have these two opposite feelings about myself at the same time. And who was this brilliant girl/woman I valued so highly? I realise now that she was the fantasy me, the ideal me, in my alternative life in my own little world, that's where she existed. She wasn't who I was deep down inside, she was who I wanted to be, she conducted herself how I wished I conducted myself, was smarter,  wittier, more talented, stronger than me. Give me a few drinks on a night out and sometimes I could convince myself that I was her. But really she isn’t me, and that is where the self hatred comes in.

So who is this real me and why do I dislike her so much? We can all pull ourselves apart and identify countless flaws, large and small, real and imagined and this is where I get my head in a tangle. And I suppose ultimately, when it comes down to it, my main crime is not measuring up to who I think I should be, and who the world expects me to be. I see myself as a timid little mouse, a wallflower, but we’re all meant to be strong, independent women these days aren’t we?

Over the years I’ve been rather mean to the real me haven’t I? Gagged by shyness, reviled for not being perfect, ignored in favour of the fantasy me, at school I sided with the bullies against myself, and even now I’m happy to tell people how useless I am at something or point out my flaws to them. No, I haven’t been much of a friend to myself at all and I need to start being one now. It’s time for acceptance and nurture. I wouldn’t dream of treating a friend the way I treat myself.

So the plan: if I want to improve my self worth well I need to appreciate and work with what I have, rather than berate myself for what I’m not. I need to know myself and know what works for me, rather than trying to copy what works for someone else and punishing myself when I can’t pull it off. Secondly I need to accept I won’t win everyone over and stop crippling myself trying, let’s remove that pressure for starters. The idea now is to stop chasing everyone else’s approval and try to earn my own respect.

And this is where the fantasy me could come in useful – as my higher self, my ideal self; who better to be my guide, my gauge? When I don’t know how to act, I need to ask myself what would she do, what would make her proud; when I’m setting myself boundaries, I need to ask what she believes is acceptable. This is who I want to be answerable to at the end of the day, myself. And this time around we’re going to be firm friends. 

Ok, this is going to sound big headed, but stay with me… Despite being shy I always believed that on the inside I was a great person, well worth knowing, maybe even a little bit special. And if someone didn’t have the patience or inclination to get to know me, I was fine with that because it was their loss. That little ruse kept my self belief in tact for many a year. It didn’t matter what people thought of me because they didn’t really know me.

Truth be told, I was terrified of opening up and letting people know me in case they rejected me, in case it turned out I wasn’t really "all that". And on the other hand I wasn’t any good at letting people know me – I lacked the conversational skills to express myself; I clammed up when talking to more than one person at a time; words got stuck in my head before ever making it out because I worried about how they would be received; then failed attempts at making comments or conversation got magnified and used as instruments of torture against me (by me – I doubt anyone else noticed).

This shyness as self preservation wasn’t ever meant to be permanent. I never thought I would hide myself away for ever. I was meant to blossom eventually, come out of myself and the world would see how amazing I was. Because hiding away from the world is quite simply unfulfilling. There’s a world out there but you’re too timid to make the most of it, you live a limited existence, only ever dreaming about the things you really want. That’s no way to live.

And as I’m getting older, it’s harder and harder to hang onto that feeling of self worth. I don’t blame other people anymore for not having the patience or kindness to reach out and get to know me, why should they? I blame myself now for being hard work, difficult, awkward. I also no longer believe there is this fantastic person inside just waiting to be discovered, I actually feel like such a disappointment, I was so full of promise and yet now I find I’m not so special after all. My biggest fear now is that I am now incapable of changing, of blossoming and I am destined to fade into oblivion, dissatisfied, bitter…

I will not allow that to be my fate.

There it is; the purpose of this post. It isn’t to wallow in self pity; it’s to give myself a kick up the backside because this is making me depressed.

So, my initial thoughts:

·         I need to seriously improve my self worth. I need to like myself again. I need to know what I expect of myself and live up to my expectations. Being lazy, not being true to my beliefs, letting myself to do things I know inside are wrong, allowing myself to become sloppy (leaving the house messy, my clothes creased and covered in cat hairs, my hair unkempt…) All these things chip away at my self respect and make me feel like I’m letting myself down. It doesn’t matter what others think of me, I have to be able to answer to myself and none of these things make me proud of myself. I need to decide who I want to be, and do the things I need to do to be that person. I also need to look after my basic needs and treat myself with care and respect.

·         I need to quit being so excruciatingly self conscious – not everything that comes out of my mouth needs to be perfect. I think too hard about what I say, but people aren’t listening anywhere near as hard as I am to my own voice. So relax, wrongs can be rectified, laughed off or apologised for – the consequences will be nowhere near as cataclysmic as I seem to believe. So dare to speak!

·         I need to be braver and push my boundaries, talk more, get out more. If I get knocked down, I need to brush myself off, get back up and do it again. I need to be bold and try new things, or aim for things a little bit higher than my reach. Keep moving forward.

All this amounts to: Love myself – be myself – grow.

And now it’s time to get to work!

Untangling my head

For the past few days I have been a total and utter Grumpa Loompa (bit like an Oompa Loompa but mardier!) It’s very disappointing, shouldn’t I be posting loads of wonderful Easter photos? Where’s my pictures of little children painting brightly colour eggs around my kitchen table? (I don’t have a kitchen table) Of the Easter egg hunt in the garden? (My garden is the least child friendly garden ever – perilously steep steps, six foot drop… not good) Where are the lambs and the fluffy yellow chicks? How did I end up bank holiday Monday sitting in a car on an industrial estate eating a MacDonalds while the rain pounded at the window? Am I just a rubbish mum?

I’ve managed to get out socially a few times over the last few weeks so I ought to be on a high. I’ve had the opportunity to catch up with friends, I even went to a burlesque night one Saturday night, then a cabaret night the next weekend… Isn’t that what I was crying out for? I’ve had some fantastic “me” time, but with it came the guilt that I was “gallivanting” about. Was it too much, two Saturday nights in a row and then an afternoon too? Am I being selfish, thinking I can just carry on having a life like I don’t have a child, palming my kid off on others to pick up my slack. It doesn’t help that the babysitters (my in-laws) on one hand offer to babysit while simultaneously disapproving of us going out (they never went out after having children apparently). Guilt, guilt, guilt. Yet again – bad mum! Am I not dedicated enough? Am I not sacrificing enough? Am I cut out for this?? I don’t have any further social plans for the foreseeable future, this little flurry was an abnormal blip, but still the guilt pursues me.

The other downside of catching up with old friends is that people inevitably ask how you are, and you are given a rare opportunity to discuss what has been happening in your life, to open up about issues that you don’t usually get the chance to even think about. This isn’t a good thing when you’ve been sweeping things under the carpet, and I swept a whole lot under there when I was pregnant, ongoing things I’m helpless to do anything about now so more often than not I bury my head in the sand. Having a nice chat dredged up a lot of unpleasantness and it’s only now, a few days later that the dust is settling again (back under the carpet – not healthy I know, but I’m powerless to do anything or believe me I would)

So all this has set me about and led to some pretty dark days. Do you ever have days where you feel like you’re getting everything wrong? Oh so wrong! That in general you’re just sort of wrong. That’s been my lot this week. I had a meeting with the new director at work, my opportunity to make a good impression and prove I’m an employee worthy of keeping (cuts are looming) Everything came out wrong; I stumbled over my words, in my nervousness I blurted things out I wish I hadn’t, I just didn’t come across at all the way I wanted to, nowhere near. I’m also struggling with panic attacks over my driving lessons – which is ridiculous considering they’re actually going well, but beforehand I’m a wreck and I find myself spending the latter half of the week fighting a growing sense of dread (lessons are on Saturday). I think that too is depleting my energy.

Sometimes I feel like I haven’t got what it takes to be happy, haven’t got the strength or confidence or energy to get the most out of life and I wonder if I ever will have. I just feel small, diminished, awkward... I know life is what you make it and all these wonderful experiences are there for the taking – and I know the biggest obstacles for me are the ones I carry with me; my own lack of self worth, my shyness. But I just can’t seem to get it right, I always seem to fall into the same ruts, I let myself down over and over. But now it means even more because I have my son to think of too and I don’t want to pass my demons onto him.

Thankfully the black cloud seems to have lifted this morning and things don’t feel so bleak. I’m currently in the process of dusting myself off and picking myself back up. A friend once told me a fantastic analogy; Life is like a toilet – you’re constantly getting crapped on. What you have to do is keep flushing the chain and starting again with a clean bowl. And that is what I’m doing today.

Oh and the MacDonalds thing in the car? Well, we were trying to go somewhere interesting, but the rain spoiled our plans. Taters was napping, we needed to eat. MacDonalds was just there… It happens…