Home Sweet Home Again

The sun is shining, the garden is blossoming, my back is red and burning… British summer time is here! For now at least, it tends to come and go in little bursts of lovely sunshine punctuated with longer spells of gray and drizzly skies. It’s a great reminder to seize the moment and live it up while you can, for tomorrow it may be raining.

I’m forever working at something, sorting the garden out, fixing things in the house – working towards the fabled day when everything is finished and I can just enjoy the house, or sit out in the lovely (completed) garden and enjoy the weather. I find myself enviably watching my neighbours enjoying a glass of wine in the sun while I’m up my ladder painting the dining room – and I wonder if I’ve got it all wrong! Obviously I have, you can’t wait until you’ve finished all your jobs, or got things ‘just so’ to then start living. You have to do it anyway, amidst the chaos and imperfections.

And actually I’ve not done too bad in making the most of this current heat wave, we’ve just returned from a week at Centre Parcs which Taters enjoyed immensely. I like Centre Parcs, although I can’t say I love it – it doesn’t thrill or inspire me the way other places do. Yes it’s living in a forest which is right up my street, but it’s just that little bit too conventional for me, too sanitised, too mainstream. But for a mother with a nervous disposition such as myself, it feels safe and convenient, and right now that is fine with me. Hopefully when I get a little braver we’ll swap the nice-enough chalets for yurts or something a little more ‘us’.

But right now it suits us just fine, and it was relaxing to be able to get up and have so many things around us with which to fill our day, all on our doorstep and without having to slog up great big hills and negotiate public transport to get there. We went swimming every day, had a lovely cheesy family portrait taken, ate out every day… but more than anything Taters just adored wandering around the woods shouting at ducks and chasing rabbits, picking up pine cones and sticks, exploring the forest and discovering it’s inhabitants. Honestly there was so much wildlife outside our patio door it was like living in a Disney film. And it really surprised me just how quiet the forest was, even when filled with so many people, it was truly lovely hearing the owls in the dead of night.

Back home I miss the peace and quiet, at first the busy roads and tightly packed terraced houses of home made me feel hemmed in and claustrophobic. But I’ve acclimatised again now, it never takes long does it?  And now we’re back among all the jobs that need doing, the clutter that needs sorting, and once again it’s easy to find excuses NOT to get out and enjoy the day. Yes, I really do have it all wrong! It just goes to show, you acquire all these things you think you need to be happy – but then you go away, taking only the essentials, and somehow you’re happier there. Hmmn, makes you think doesn’t it?

Please skip over if you stumble upon this, more self obsessed ramblings to follow...

I’ve just been re-reading the last few posts, and before I step away from all this introspection (hopefully), I just wanted to summarise my own little “eureka” discoveries. I do feel like I’m now starting a new chapter of my life, and that I’m making some really positive changes. So for the sake of clarity I thought a little summary would help me on my new journey, to keep me on the right path as it were.

So, what my psycho babble from this past few weeks amounts to is this:

1.       I am shy and unhappy about the way it is limiting my life

2.       I perpetuate this shyness by hiding behind a fantasy me in a fantasy world. It is time to leave this world behind and live in reality.

3.       I have neglected and disrespected the real me for far too long and never allowed her to grow. Now is the time to become her best friend, love her and let her evolve – stand up for her, believe in her, nurture her etc. etc. Be kind!

4.       I need to get to know myself better, accept myself, understand myself, know my own mind, define my boundaries. And then learn to work with what I’ve got, learn what works for me.

5.       It is time to forget trying to win everyone else’s approval and instead aim to earn my own respect- with the old fantasy me as my mentor, she is my higher self and something to aspire to, aim for. She is who I answer to at the end of the day.

Linking back though to a previous post, the reason the memories of my student days blaze more brightly than recent years is because I was living in the real world back then. So now I’ve been dragged back into it by my little boy, here’s to creating some equally vibrant memories now!