Arm chair psychotherapy

After writing that last post I realised one important thing. I wrote that despite my shyness, I always believed the person lurking beneath it was something pretty darn special - but you know at the same time I always carried with me an unhealthy dose of self hatred. So how could I have these two opposite feelings about myself at the same time. And who was this brilliant girl/woman I valued so highly? I realise now that she was the fantasy me, the ideal me, in my alternative life in my own little world, that's where she existed. She wasn't who I was deep down inside, she was who I wanted to be, she conducted herself how I wished I conducted myself, was smarter,  wittier, more talented, stronger than me. Give me a few drinks on a night out and sometimes I could convince myself that I was her. But really she isn’t me, and that is where the self hatred comes in.

So who is this real me and why do I dislike her so much? We can all pull ourselves apart and identify countless flaws, large and small, real and imagined and this is where I get my head in a tangle. And I suppose ultimately, when it comes down to it, my main crime is not measuring up to who I think I should be, and who the world expects me to be. I see myself as a timid little mouse, a wallflower, but we’re all meant to be strong, independent women these days aren’t we?

Over the years I’ve been rather mean to the real me haven’t I? Gagged by shyness, reviled for not being perfect, ignored in favour of the fantasy me, at school I sided with the bullies against myself, and even now I’m happy to tell people how useless I am at something or point out my flaws to them. No, I haven’t been much of a friend to myself at all and I need to start being one now. It’s time for acceptance and nurture. I wouldn’t dream of treating a friend the way I treat myself.

So the plan: if I want to improve my self worth well I need to appreciate and work with what I have, rather than berate myself for what I’m not. I need to know myself and know what works for me, rather than trying to copy what works for someone else and punishing myself when I can’t pull it off. Secondly I need to accept I won’t win everyone over and stop crippling myself trying, let’s remove that pressure for starters. The idea now is to stop chasing everyone else’s approval and try to earn my own respect.

And this is where the fantasy me could come in useful – as my higher self, my ideal self; who better to be my guide, my gauge? When I don’t know how to act, I need to ask myself what would she do, what would make her proud; when I’m setting myself boundaries, I need to ask what she believes is acceptable. This is who I want to be answerable to at the end of the day, myself. And this time around we’re going to be firm friends.