I wish people would stop telling me that the baby I lost wasn't meant to be and that when the time is right and I'm meant to have a baby it will happen. That makes it sound as if things aren't totally random, or someone out there has a plan for me. I don't see any evidence of this. If the baby thing never happens, therefore was never meant to be, then what did I do to deserve this? Who made that decision and can I please appeal? I see plenty of people who don't seem to want babies popping them out left, right and centre, and no greater good comes of it - so why were their babies meant to be and not mine?
People react in the strangest ways when you lose a baby, I know most people don't know what to say and I understand that, but some people get it completely wrong. Worst of all was one person who practically interrogated me about it when I was sat at home waiting for the operation to "removed retained products from pregnancy" (or wording to such effect). While I was struggling to live with what was happening to me, she began firing away a barrage of questions that I was desperately avoiding asking myself - as if she had to understand and make me understand the whole truth of the situation I was in: 'Did I know whether it was a boy or girl', 'Would there be a body?' 'Would I see the baby?'... 'So your little son or your little daughter has died inside of you? And they're still inside of you?' she kept saying over and over again. No one else asked me such questions, it baffles me why she thought she had a right to know these things, why she felt the need to know every little painful detail. She seemed to think she was helping me and yet she left me utterly devastated, throwing myself onto sofas and beds in true soap opera style, sobbing my heart out at the top of my voice.
My second "favourite" was the woman on the reception at the antenatal clinic. I had to ring around a number of places to cancel various appointments after it happened. It was horrible having to repeat the words over and over again. But the midwife was lovely and understanding and the hospital were kind.
The woman on reception at the antenatal clinic simply hung up on me.
And no, we weren't cut off in error, she rather abruptly said "Oh, ok," and hung up. I didn't need her to send me a bunch of flowers, I didn't even need her to tell me she felt sorry. A simple "Thank you for letting us know, I will cancel your appointment," would have done me just nicely.
It would have been my due date in two weeks time, so these things are all coming back to me now. I haven't managed to put the baby dream out of my head as successfully as I wanted to. Each month around ovulation time I go a little crazy, then the week before I'm due on my brain torments me cruelly: 'Ooh, what's that twinge in your stomach? Maybe you're pregnant?' 'Wow, you're breasts are really sore this month, that probably means you're pregnant!" Well, I've had a multitude of symptoms that my brain has tried to suggest to me could mean I'm pregnant, and I'm not. So I've come to realise that reading anything into it is pointless.
So no, I haven't been as successful as I'd hoped to be in moving on, but I do feel more balanced. It's no longer all I can think about. I took two weeks off work around Christmas this year, then found myself stuck inside the house because it snowed really badly. With my husband at work, home alone I had a lot of time to think. And one thing I realised was that I'd been chasing this baby dream so much that I'd given up so much else of myself - I'd stopped taking care of my appearance, the weight had started to creep on, I'd stopped writing, I'd neglected my friends. All these things that I swore I'd never do if I became a mother, I was already doing before I'd even got pregnant! I know motherhood changes women in ways that, right now, I cannot even imagine. But I still don't want to lose myself. If I had a daughter what kind of message would I be giving? 'You can be anything you want to be, follow your dreams - well, at least until you become a mother, then forget it, you're finished!'
I've been chasing this dream so singlemindedly, but have I ever stopped to think what this dream actually looks like? Do I want motherhood at the expense of all else? It really drove the message home that I had to start concentrating on other areas of my life again. I want my world to be one I can bring a child into, one that will be fulfilling and wonderful for them to be a part of. I don't seem to have any control over the getting pregnant side (although of course I am doing everything it takes to get pregnant), but I do have control over shaping my world. So I'm focussing on the things I do have some control over now.
Anyway, it would have been my due date in two weeks and I'm trying to think of it now as a fresh start. I'm better equipped now to move on. I won't ever forget and I don't want to. But it's time for a new chapter.
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