I've mentioned before that in the past few years my beliefs have been thrown up in the air. Now I seem to go around in circles getting myself all in a tangle trying to work out what I believe now, where I stand... Sometimes you feel things without ever putting those feelings into words, and it's hard to pin them down when you try. They may sound totally illogical but they are what you feel nonetheless. So however mad they may sound, they are still valid.
I'm a bit of a hippy at heart, I believed in natural birthing, in my bodies ability to be able to naturally deliver my child, I believe 100% in breastfeeding - the natural way all the way for me. I thought so many women ended up having caesarians because they were out of touch with nature, with their bodies, too brainwashed by modern society and removed from our natural instincts.
Then I ended up with an epidural, then a caesarian, then a partially bottle fed baby... argh! (if you want to know why, read here) My beliefs in tatters! I could feel my imaginary peers turning their backs on me - I say imaginary because I didn't actually know many mothers at this point, let alone any full on earth mother types. But now I feared that if I did meet any of "my kind" I would be judged and rejected...
And where did this leave my faith in Mother Nature? Had she abandoned me? Was I being tested? Had I done something wrong? I know Mother Nature can be cruel, but it's still hard to stomach the feeling that she doesn't care about you. So maybe I wasn't supposed to be a mother, that thought haunted me. Nothing seemed to come naturally, so perhaps I had bulldozed my way onto a road never intended for me, ignoring all the signs along the way.
All of these things I felt keenly at the time, but I never voiced them, never thought them through to figure out what I actually did believe. But oh it brought me down a peg or two!
Recently I came across a few blogs that talked about women having too high an expectation with regards to child birth (here and here, in case I need to re-read them in the future) and I agree wholeheartedly with this. I certainly put far too much pressure on myself to be perfect. Ok I didn't have a great pregnancy because I was still traumatised by a previous miscarriage, so I didn't obsess for hours over birthing dvds or books. In that sense I didn't have high expectations. But still, deep down inside I was looking forward to giving birth, to it being the most profound, miraculous experience of my life. Something I was designed to do. So long as I trusted my instincts it would be fine, beautiful, wonderful, magical even.
In reality it was frightening and rather traumatising. I didn't care for any of those things when it came down to it - I only cared that my baby came out alive. My experience didn't matter.
So did I defy Mother Nature by becoming a mother? Here's some food for thought garnered from these blogs. As a species we are gifted with intelligence, with large and complicated brains. If we were not intended to use our brains we would not have been given them. Just as if I was not intended to have a child then why did I get pregnant?
Think about it, if we had no choice but to give birth 100% naturally and did away with medical intervention, then how many mothers and babies would die? How many die in third world countries where they have no choice but to do it the “natural” way. We have intelligence so that we can build on what nature gives us, so when things do go wrong we have a safety net. That is if we are lucky enough to be born in certain parts of the world - how wrong is that? But I doubt even the most ardent fan of natural birthing would reject medical intervention to save the life of her child if it was necessary. It isn't all or nothing. Nature or science. But that doesn't mean you were wrong to believe in the miracle of birth in the first place, to be amazed at the ability of the female body to create and give birth to life. It also means you shouldn't feel like you've failed because you didn't manage to give birth naturally or breastfeed. What a ridiculous notion!
And no, it's isn't a choice between nature or science (in which I am classing the medical profession here) I found my hospital to have the utmost respect for the birthing experience. Providing private rooms with low lighting, promoting skin on skin contact immediately after birth and fully supporting breastfeeding. It was the hospital who drove home the message to trust in your body's ability to deliver the baby, that it would just "know" what to do. But they also have a more medicalized wing in case your birth became more complicated – the consultant led wing where I ended up. Because sometimes no amount of hypno birthing classes can save you from complications that can and do arise. My baby's cord was tangled and for me there was no option but the bright lights and noisy monitors of the consultant led wing, doctors coming in and out, constant supervision from the midwife – I opted for an epidural because laying still was unbearable, I couldn't move around or do what came naturally because we were being monitored so closely. The way I saw it I wasn’t going to get the birth I wanted, now it was time to do whatever it took to get us both through it. That is what became instinctual then. Mother nature didn't let me down, she equipped us with the intelligence to save both me and my son in this situation.
So yes, I can still hold onto my "beliefs" despite my experiences.
The question remains though, do I believe in some sort of Mother Earth, Goddess figure, or some kind of higher being? I've never committed myself to saying it before, but looking back over things I've written in this blog, things I genuinely felt, that certainly seems to be the case. Do I believe? Well yes. That is something I can't pin down in words, clearly define, explain logically. I just do. Do I believe she has a plan for us all individually? Despite all my talk about things being "intended" I don't think I actually do. Life is too random. Having said that I do believe there are energies in the universe that you can tap into, a certain flow to your life that if you go with it it can help you achieve your potential. But perhaps it improves your odds rather than guarantees anything, we can never control nature, it deserves our utmost respect and reverence.
Inner peace regained?
